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Adrienne
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Age : 23
Registration date : 2008-12-02

PostSubject: Him   Thu Dec 18, 2008 7:58 pm

ok so this is from a story on goodreads, and i kinda want some feedback Exclamation .. the story is about a girl who likes a boy, drew. she is the loner type, and a minute ago she laughed for the first time in her life. she hates the laugh.. yeah that's pretty much it ok her'e sthe story:



CHAPTER 4: conversations

JOYCE



Red blotches appeared on my cheeks. I was gritting my teeth back and forth. He didn’t hear it! I told myself. Sneaking a look back at him over my shoulder, I realized he was staring at me with a confused look on his face. When he saw me staring back, he cocked his head as if to say, was that you?

NO, DREW! I thought. NO!! It was so not me. Never. But all I could do was slump back in my chair. I slammed my fist silently against the table. This was definitely not how I planned the day to go. I shouldn’t care that Drew heard me laugh. I don’t have the gigantic crush on Drew anymore, right?

Wrong, I told myself, wrong and you know it. Mr. Henry was talking himself up a storm, turning red, and not paying any attention to what we were doing. Everybody was whispering but me. And Drew. Gaah! I can’t have any similarities with … with him. From now on his name is him.

Who was I? Wasn’t I the girl who nobody talks to, the girl by herself, the girl in the corner of the cafeteria? Where was that girl? What would she be doing right now? Staring at Drew. Oops, staring at him.

But instead I pretended to be bored. I drummed my fingers on the table, supporting my head with and elbow. It got boring, so I put my hand to my chin and stared up at the ceiling. They should really fix it. There are so many cracks in it.

“Joyce …?”

I stood up, bumping my knee on the bottom of my desk and my arm against the chair. The bell must have rung. I tried not to wince as I turned toward the voice. Oh, god. Do you even need me to tell you who it was?

There he was, his skinny arms and longish blonde hair … and blue eyes! Those blue eyes … get a grip, Joyce.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, fine, totally fine!” God I sound so stupid! I steadied myself against the chair and tried to look shy and hurt, wanting to get away.

Drew noticed. He notices everything! “Oh! So, see you Joyce.” He gave me a smile, and headed off, flipping his hair, towards his girlfriend, Jessica. I was left there, watching numbly. I wanted to yell for him to come back. I wanted for him to stay beside me, the smell of skateboards wavering in the air. I wanted so much.

Mr. Henry finally realized his class was gone. He coughed, and turned around to collect his papers. He coughed again. “Joyce? Are you going?”

“Y-yes sir,” I mumbled, sweeping my books up off my desk. I exited, slumping down against the wall, just staring out blankly. How stupid I was. He had come to me! He had started a conversation! And I had to go and ruin it.

Had he liked the laugh? I pondered. He came to talk after I laughed. So it didn’t sound stupid? I picked myself up, seeing that the hallways were empty. Slowly I made my way to the lockers. I liked the locker room, especially when there wasn’t anybody there. They were silent and still, stuff sticking out, magnets covering a few. Mine was at the end of the hall, with nothing on it.

I stuck my stuff inside, and slammed the door. As I passed all the other lockers, who had a mysterious whispering secret about them, I kissed Drew’s. It was tradition. Locker 564.

Shuffling noises echoed down the hall as my lips touched the cold metal. I whirled around. There was nobody. Heart pounding, I raced down the hall and into the cafeteria, taking my usual spot beside Drew’s table.

Wait.

Where was he? I frantically searched the table, then others. There was no laughing Drew, but instead an empty spot by Jessica.

There was a clamor from behind me. A boy was heading down the hallway from the locker rooms. A boy with blonde hair covering his beautiful eyes.
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jonusb
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PostSubject: Re: Him   Thu Jul 22, 2010 2:17 am

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leodown
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